Star News Exclusive - Royal Holi Celebration

And to think, all I wanted to do was get a few quick sunset pictures of Jal Mahal, Jaipur's famous Water Palace....

In the spirit of full and self/family-deprecating disclosure, I wanted to share the video clip below sooner rather than later and have yet to have the narration translated (any assistance would be greatly appreciated).What follows is a six minute video that aired on Star News, a national Hindi language news channel here. Included in this clip, at the 4:30 mark, is a segment that includes my mother and wife playing Holi, my wife dancing, and even me getting hit with a little color.

The reporter lured Lindsay in with the promise of an interview; however, goofy white people playing Holi makes for better entertainment than the sham interview the reporter apparently had set up.

For all I know, the reporter is making complete fun of us. To be honest, based on the display, it would be tough to fault him. Regardless, it's safe to say we had a fairly unique and memorable Holi experience (even if this was shot four days before the actual festival).

Not So Super Sunday

In India the Super Bowl apparently gets broadcast on a station called the "Asian Sports Network". Unfortunately, this isn't one of 8 sports stationed offered by my satellite provider, Tata Sky. Tata is a little of like the GE of India; they own everything from Tata Motors to one of the larger BPO consultancies to my cable provider to the Himalayan bottled water that I prefer (I like it because they pronounce it "him-AH-lee-yen" rather than "him-a-LAY-en"). Tata owns all of this, yet my basic package didn't show one of the most watched annual sporting events in the world. Sorry, Roger Goodell, I guess it goes to show exactly how much American football means outside the 50 states. Or it's entirely possible that I just have a cheap satellite package.

Regardless, I knew this going in and had planned to record the game on Slingbox and watch it on about a two hour delay on Monday morning. Unfortunately, the video decided to stop working in Slingbox. It's very odd, I'm still able to hear the audio and see the cable system interface to record and select shows, I'm not able to see any of the shows when selected. Since my trusty troubleshooter (aka, Dad) who hosts the Slingbox is busy skiing in Colorado, I'm pretty much out of luck until the problem either fixes itself or he gets back from skiing. Knowing that it wouldn't be possible to steer clear of the internet or people that would update me on the game's conclusion (our friend and fellow expat Kristin is a big enough Packers fan that she actually exhausted her annual home leave to go home and host a Super Bowl party; something tells me she probably would have let me know who won), I decided to listen live to the audio of the fourth quarter through the Slingbox. I'm not much a fan of Joe Buck. And that's when I have a picture to accompany his obvious observations. It's much, much worse when you're listening to him and staring into a black screen.

From all accounts, it was a close and entertaining game. If I was a big enough fan of one team or the other to change my profile pic to a player from a team, I would have been hugely disappointed and this blog post would have been a sharply worded open letter to the fine people at Slingbox. As it turns out, I simply ended up being one of the billions that didn't watch the game.

Outsourced - Episode 1

The "India" that serves the purpose of the set for Outsourced is very much the environment the organizers of the Commonwealth Games want the world to perceive as India. It's sterilized, organized, and seemingly efficient. The unfortunate truth is that that India doesn't exist. One of the reasons Slumdog Milllionaire was so popular in America was that it gave a fairly decent representation of what urban India actually looks like, including the office where the star was a pantry boy serving tea (yes, that job really exists). That reality is also one of the reasons I believe it's not a terribly popular movie in India. In fact, the only time I've heard it mentioned is in conjunction with AR Rahman and the music he produced for the film.

My point is this, if you're going to produce a show about an American working in India, at least make it look like he's working in India.

In addition, if you're going to produce a show about an American working in India, don't consume all the stereotype jokes in one episode. In fact, you could center entire episodes around a single stereotype and address then in balanced, informed, and funny manner. Arranged marriages? There's an episode. Religious head wear? Another episode. Food? Probably two or three episodes. Personal space? Traffic? Another couple episodes. Cows? Yep, you guessed it, yet another episode. The reality is that differences in culture creates a healthy curiousity which could easily be explored in a manner which is funny without going for the obvious jokes that cater to the lower end of the comedic spectrum.

That being said, I could identify with bits and pieces of the show. Building relationships (i.e., eating with the team) isn't the worst decision you can make. I too, when eating the Indian food at the office (which is admittedly rare), still tend to base my selections on color: I consider red good, yellow average, and green bad (just my personal preference).

The most accurate part of the episode from a business standpoint was when one of the characters was asking about the context of mistletoe as it relates to Christmas. Without that context, these items are simply items. It's easy enough to tell someone from another culture what a thing is, but without also teaching them context, that thing has absolutely no meaning. Of course, the writers took the opportunity to create a mistletoe belt that could be worn for novelty purposes to to try and garner a kiss "down there". The only bright side to this entire exchange was that lead to the only funny line of the episode, when the character responded, "This is how you celebrate the birth of your God?"

Bottom line, the show just wasn't very funny. As mentioned above, there's any number of topics this show could explore around living and working in another country that could prove insightful while still being extremely funny. The producers and writers of this show seem to have taken the easy way have fairly low expectations of what Americans might think is funny. Daniel Fienberg made the best observation I've read about what the show could have been in his review:

"On one imaginary hand, you could have a show about a young American worker who's so grateful to have a job and so intrigued by the idea of moving to a foreign country that he embarks to India determined to eagerly experience a foreign country and having a professional adventure while he's still young enough to enjoy it. Maybe he doesn't love everything he discovers there, but he's constantly having his expectations challenged and he knows that when he returns to the States in a few years, he'll have the sort of stories and experiences you can't pay for. Some weeks he could laugh at the Indians. Some weeks they could laugh at him. Occasionally the writers would have to do a bit of research to learn something about the country they were setting their show in. I would watch this show."

At the end of the day, the premise of this show has potential, and who knows, maybe future episodes will take advantage of that; however, the filtered view it presents of today's India will limit its appeal (and it's longevity). Plus, it just isn't funny.

The Most Disturbing Breath Mint Commercial Ever

Over the weekend I saw perhaps the most disturbing television commercial I've seen while in India. It's for a product called Chlor-Mint, which I gather is some sort of mouth freshener, though you'd be hard-pressed to learn what the product actually is from simply watching the thirty second spot. Of course, it's also in Hindi, so there's a chance something is missed in translation. Here's my best effort to recreate the advertisement for your viewing pleasure:

A bus carrying a sports team of some sort of teenage girls is stopped on the road by a herd of Holstein cattle and a herdsman in traditional Indian dress. There is nothing odd about the cows except that they have a third horn protruding from the middle of their head. The girls have some sort of heated conversation with the herdsman. The herdsman decides that the cows need some of the mints and proceeds to skillfully toss a mint into each of the cows' mouths. He then starts to milk a cow, removes the middle horn from one of the cow's head, and returns to the cow's utter, only to get soft-serve ice cream rather than milk. He turns the removed horn upside down and begins to serve soft-serve ice cream to the team of stranded girls. Everyone is happy. The End.

I don't even know what to say, what to ask, or why it any way promotes a breath mint. I do know, that whenever it came on the rest of the weekend, that I was strangely riveted by the fact that (1) someone actually thought of this and (2) someone actually produced it.

The Other UPS

For those familiar with India, supposed creature comforts like the continuous and consistent supply of electricity aren't as guaranteed as in places like the U.S. or western Europe. In India, the acronym "UPS" has meanings well beyond the timely delivery of parcels. The more prevalent meaning relates to "Uninterrupted Power Supply". I don't want to get into the technical details because, frankly, I don't know and don't really care; however, multiple times throughout the day the power will go out only to return a few seconds (typically less than a minute) later. We're actually fairly lucky in our apartment complex that the breaks in power are that short as certain parts of town aren't as fortunate and have much longer spans of time without power.

These little power breaks happen everywhere, and they don't seem to rattle anyone. It's such a part of everyday life that people simply go about their business. Last night, I was checking out at the grocery store and they lost power. There was no chaos, no scare of looting; the checkout dude simply kept scanning my items. How did he keep scanning, you ask? That's where the beauty of UPS begins. So it's really not a complex concept, but UPS is basically a mini-generator or battery to keep certain essentials powered. At the grocery store, it's items like the scanner and cash register (I'm not so sure of the refrigerators; I'd have to guess that's a "no"). At the gym, it's things like the treadmill. At the office, it's items like computers and select lights; there are also certain outlets labeled as UPS so you know what you're plugging into (note, we won't be examining why all outlets aren't set up this way).

And of course, there's an at-home version. After three months of dealing with the router recycling with each break in power (note, ordinarily this wouldn't be a huge deal to lose connection on a website, but when you're streaming video via Slingbox and watching a show on DVR, it's a fairly lengthy and annoying process to get back to where you were on the show; I know, such issues I face) I finally paid a visit to my good friends at ElectriCity in the Galleria shopping complex. For INR 2900 (about $65) they were kind enough to sell me my own UPS unit, which is basically a heavy duty power strip that can maintain three fairly power-intensive pieces of equipment. Again, I wasn't really one for details with this purchase (I simply picked out the one my neighbors had), but apparently it's good enough to keep the television, router, and an item to be named later (likely the Wii or PS3 when I get around to setting up either of those items) running for 20 minutes, which is more than enough bridge the gap. My favorite part of the at-home UPS is that it's kind enough to remind you that the rest of your apartment has lost power by, much like a smoke detector low on battery, emitting a very large beep once every ten or so seconds (as if the instantaneous darkness wasn't indicator enough).

The power outages are just things you learn to accept, not question, and simply deal with on a daily basis. After the first few times it happens, particularly in the office, and you see people not react to it, it's amazing how quick it simply becomes a non-issue. Of course, one electrically driven item that isn't typically on back-up is, the elevator. Having a natural aversion to stairs, it's simply a matter of time before this happens. I'll be curious to see how (or if) people react, or if it's just another part of daily life.

Outsourced

I read this morning that NBC picked up a Thursday night sitcom for the fall called Outsourced, which I would assume is at least loosely based on the 2006 film with the same name (surprisingly, I haven't seen the movie but have heard it's very good). The show will be based on a manager whose department gets offshored and he's asked to move to India to either manage the operation or transition the job. While there are likely parallels here with my life, I'm actually curious to see how the show presents India and whether or not the show will even be aired here.

(Note, there are a number of American television shows here though few are aired in real time. I think the only "live" program I've heard of is American Idol though I think that's now only aired the same week. Typically, a show will be a season (or two) behind which helps explain why Hulu and other streaming media isn't accessible from outside the United States. The final season of Lost just kicked off here last night when the U.S. is only two episodes from learning the fate of the castaways.)

Regardless, with the help of my trusty Slingbox, not only will I be able to watch the Lost finale before I head to work next Monday (which I'm going to need to do because someone will invariably post some sort of spoiler on Facebook), I'll also be able to check out Outsourced in the fall. Whether or not it's worth comparing to the actual experience remains to be seen. Also remaining to be seen is whether or not there's wide enough appeal to the American viewing public to be reminded on a weekly basis of what many feel is a primary cause for the unemployment problem in the U.S. If there's not much interest in that, this show will have a very short run.

The "Looksie"

It's official: I have something in common with Plaxico Burress.  Thankfully, my ability to travel and general sense of personal liberty won't be quite as limited; however, we both should return to mainstream American society at some point in 2011.

It's probably a little anti-climactic to some of our closest friends and I'm sure many are sick of hearing about it, but Lindsay and I are moving to India in January.  In preparation for the big move, Lindsay and I spent the ten days prior to Thanksgiving on our official "looksie" trip to Gurgaon, primarily to find a place to live but also to spend time in the office getting to know our new co-workers.

Lindsay had been back twice this year; however, this was my first trip to India since our six-month assignment from October 2004 - April 2005.  While some things have absolutely changed (Gurgaon has quite figuratively exploded), some things remain much the same ("Friends" is still a staple on Star World TV's "happy hour" in the evening).  The biggest difference between this assignment and the last (other than the duration) is the fact that we'll be living as "true" expats this time around; that is, in the comfort of a fully-serviced apartment close to the office rather than in the comfort of the Taj Palace Hotel in Delhi.

As with any trip to India you learn to expect the unexpected and learn to be more patient; however,in the end, the place finds a way to endear itself to you.   That being said, here are the quick hit highlights and observations from our trip....

Ahhhhh, Safety
"Security" is a way of life in India.  I'd estimate that on the average day, a person probably goes through some semblance (or appearance) of a security checkpoint five of six times.

Our hotel, the Crowne Plaza, employed two layer security to gain access to the lobby; however, the layers seem to vary based on the audience.  When driving onto the hotel grounds, we were surprised at the level of care that was taken to ensure the car wasn't wired.  In fact, the car was checked in no fewer than four places: under the car, under the hood, in the trunk, and in the glove box.  All of this in intended to make one feel safe; however, I'm not convinced the guards are trained on what exactly to keep an eye on; however, the rifle carried by one is imposing enough.  In addition, we learned later in the week, with thanks to a former co-worker, Jaideep Agrawal, that when he drove in alone to pick us up that the check was nowhere near as thorough and he was allowed to pass through without the guards looking in the car.

Once you graduate the first check, you then must pass a bag screen and walk through a metal detector to gain entry to the actual hotel.  However, you're not forced to empty your pockets so every person sets off the alarm.  From that point, women are allowed to enter freely and men must survive a check from one of those security wands.  Again, cell phones and whatever else are still in pockets, so the wand alarm would go off each time I walked in the hotel; however, I was never asked to empty my pockets and was allowed free entry to the hotel.

On the bright side, at least they make you walk through the metal detector.  I can remember five years ago walking into the Maurya Sheraton in Delhi, seeing metal detectors, and testing the guards by walking around the detector with absolutely no consequence.  This doesn't seem like that big of a deal....except that Hugo Chavez was staying in the hotel at the time.

Other than hotel safety, you'll be relieved to know the future apartment has a similar setup, so don't worry about us.  As a quick tip when you come visit, just look Western and act like you know what you're doing and you should be fine.

Bar Tricks
While physical safety is of primary concern, it was reassuring to see that workplace safety ranks high as well.  We ventured to Ambience Mall for one of Gurgaon's two microbrews for lunch one day (the beer was better than expected, even better (surprisingly) than Kingfisher, the king of good times).  There was a promotional banner hanging high above the bar that needed to come down.  I wasn't sure how they had originally hung the thing; however, we quickly learned how it was coming down when four men emerged with a 12 - 15 foot step ladder though there was nothing to lean the thing against.  Three of the guys stood in the middle of the bar holding the thing vertical and, sure enough, the fourth slowly started climbing the rungs....while the other three supported the base.

He ascended to the top rung (something I wouldn't even do with a stable base) and began yanking on the banner.  When yanking failed to extract the banner, he was forced to descend and took some sort of tool back up with him to help.  Eventually he was successful and the banner came down.  The most surprising part of this sequence was that Lindsay and I seemed to be the only two people transfixed and the only two people that found this somewhat less than safe.

The Crowne Plaza
The Crowne Plaza Gurgaon is a very nice hotel; however, it's very much a business hotel.  In fact, it's quite possible that the only room in the hotel with more than one resident was our's.  Every morning we'd go to the buffet breakfast at G Cafe, which was included with the room, and they'd ask me for my room number.  After I'd reply "4021", they'd ask Lindsay the same question.  She'd reply, "the same", and the hostess (the same each day) always seemed a little skeptical.  At any rate, it took a while for the staff to buy our story and a good six or seven days for them to stop offering us separate checks.

Apparently, poker and gambling has experienced the same growth explosion in India as in the United States.  While waiting for a friend for lunch one day in the lobby, Lindsay and I quite innocently pulled out a deck of cards to pass the time playing gin rummy.  We played one hand and then noticed a member of the staff looking nervously at us.  Lindsay then saw a hostess give that member a nod or a look and he immediately approached us and said, "sir, no cards in open spaces, it's gambling".  Reluctantly, even though there was no money or chips to be seen, we decided it best to sit quietly.  Quite the different cultural experience from a place like Ireland where gambling in the open isn't just accepted, it's basically encouraged.

Ohio State / Michigan
I posted this on Facebook, but approximately two hours before kickoff, we were headed to Delhi for dinner at Olive, one of our favorite restaurants.  At the tollbooth to Delhi on Mehrauli Road, I was suprised to see a guy wearing an Ohio State sweatshirt.  I can say with 99% certainty that he had no idea he was wearing the sweatshirt for a team about to engage in its fiercest and most traditional rivalry.  I can say with 100% certainty that he had no idea that a certain coach from West Virginia has basically killed one side of that rivalry and turned the ferocity of that rivalry down a notch or two.

Northern Spice
My new team at work went out for a team lunch at a traditional northern Indian kebab restuarant.  As usual, the food was phenomenal and plentiful; however, we nearly didn't eat as our table of nine didn't seem to be the waiter's priority.  After ordering (a complex order consisting of "8 non-veg and 1 veg lunch served family style at the table) we thought we were in the clear.  As the minutes passed we began to grow a little impatient.  The waiter came back fifteen or so minutes later and, with a move straight out of "Groundhog's Day", asked if he could take our order.  Awesome.  Everyone at the table immediately asked the waiter to send over his manager.  Not surprisingly, his manager wasn't set to arrive for another two or three hours.

If you've been to India, you've undoubtedly taken part in the ritual of filling out a survey card for service at a hotel or restaurant.  This may have been the first time I haven't seen it offered though that didn't keep one of the more assertive of the bunch to ask for a survey card.  Somewhat surprisingly, they weren't out of cards and she was actually given one.  In our first bit of teambuilding, we jointly redefined the scale and filled out the card.  As we got up from the table, one team member gave the card to the waiter and we could see him reading it as we left the restuarant.  Suffice to say, that card didn't find its way into the waiter's employment record.

The Bucket List
If this trip did nothing else, it made this whole "we're moving to India" thing very, very real.  While we're both extremely excited for the adventure we have in front of us, but the fact that we're moving half way around the world in under 40 days is just a bit more apparent today than it was only a couple of weeks ago.  There are still of lot of logistics to care for; doctor's appointments, tax briefings, and determining which personal items stay and which go to name a few.  In addition, it's tough to find the right balance between spending time with family and friends and striking the right balance between talking about the experience and going about our day to day lives.  That being said, if you come across me between now and January 7th, you absolutely have the right to say, "stop talking about India, you idiot, I know you're going, I know you're excited about it, but let's get to the important stuff --- how do you like the Hawks' chances in the _____ Bowl?" (Note, while I absolutely want the Hawks in the Fiesta, there's something cathartic about the possibility of watching them take down yet another SEC team for 3 hours on New Year's Day....even though Boise State would be a tougher test than the #3 team in the SEC).